A Wish Your Heart Makes 17

Endings are hard.

This is the conclusion I have come to.

In my experience, people tend to do some pretty erratic things when endings approach. My own program has been riddled with bizarre and jarring events that left me in a really unsettling emotional place. I think I managed to emerge from the ruins with a slimmer of hope and some good lessons learned. Yet it reinforced that endings ARE hard and our human lives do not adequately prepare us with the skills to approach them in a fulfilling way.

I had this moment where I was talking with my doctor and she reminded me that my student health insurance is running out and I needed to find another doctor. I was shocked. Of course I knew this moment was coming but it still felt like she had punched me in the gut. I really like her and the whole thought of just not seeing her on a regular basis seemed...well...wrong? Even though I ended up a doctor who might be a much better fit, my logical mind could not convince me emotional soul.

I have reintroduced myself to these scary feelings when it comes to both my job search and finishing up my job responsibilities here. I guess somewhere in my life I was led to believe that endings should wrap themselves up like perfectly designed Martha Stewart birthday gifts. The reality is that endings are often messy, chaotic and unassuming. They creep up on you or steam roll you when you are least expecting it. And the next things comes. The next relationship, the next job, the next apartment, etc.

After experiencing the death of my mother I have learned how important it is to grieve. Endings are a form of death and it is important to acknowledge the emotions that surface. I have come to appreciate rituals and ceremonies because they allow a form of closure and time to reflect that at least leaves me feeling a little bit more secure with an ending.

I was experiencing these emotions acutely this week. I had to decided to decline an offer of a part time job turning into a full time job. Besides feeling like it wasn't the right fit, there were numerous red flags. Even if I didn't have other options, I would still known that declining this job was the right choice.  I dreaded waking up in the morning to go and that feeling wasn't going away. But it was hard because I felt like I had failed in some way and I felt like I had disappointed my boss. I got some good advice in the beginning of this job search "don't just take a job because you're offered it." And while it can be hard to follow that logic when you have bills to pay and families to honor, there is a lot of truth in that sentiment. It felt both wrong and right and it has been messy trying to navigate revealing this truth to my current boss.

And then of course there is this feeling of being pushed away, of your part in the story ending without any pomp or circumstance. Everything moves on without me and I feel disposable and invalidated. This is life. I think as student affairs professionals who have been nurtured and developed throughout our life as students and leaders, we forget that jobs are not leadership positions. No one has an obligation to protect our feelings or assist us in moving through vectors and achieving cognitive dissonance. We are employees and cogs in the machine and we are paid to do a job. And we are replaceable and there is always someone that can probably do our job better than us. It's a harsh reality to realize that yes you are special but you are not a glittery flying unicorn.

The End.