A Wish Your Heart Makes 20

The past two weeks have been a blur. Wait, has it actually been two weeks? haa.

I graduated and it was an absolutely incredible time. My family and friends came up and I was bursting with excitement. This was the first big event I experienced since my mom's death. Leading up to the event I was ball of nervousness and anxiety. I realize now I was scared of feeling excited, knowing that my mom wasn't able to experience this day with me. What did it mean if I was happy and grateful and fine if my mom wasn't here? The anxiety was so intense that every time I went in to buy my graduation regalia, I would get nauseous. My whole being was not ready for this moment to come.

Well when it did, it could not have been more perfect. I was SO HAPPY. I did feel a little grief after it was all over. I don't think any experience has been more painful and challenging. Even my mom's funeral which is saying a lot. It was definitely something I would never do again, but I don't regret that I did it. Graduation was a time for all the warm fuzzies to come up and I finally realized all of the good things I gleaned from this experience and all the new people I have to love. But most importantly, I truly felt that I had made my mom proud. I felt incredibly at peace for the first time since my mom's death. I felt that I had honored all my mom had done for me to bring me to this point, and it felt like the right thing to do to be happy because that's what her love meant for me to be. It was an incredible time.

And of course the cherry on the sundae was that I finally got a job! Ha. I got the call and official offer the Thursday before graduation. Although, I had been dreaming about this moment and hoping it would work out, I was surprised at the spectrum of emotions I felt. I was excited, but scared, felt unworthy, felt grateful. I was so confused but so sure. I called my mentor immediately to process the emotions but she helped me see I had already said yes in my heart. And so I accepted and I really felt that I accepted my dream job. Everyone keeps commenting that it is the perfect job for me and I couldn't agree more. I literally cant remember the last time I was so excited about something. The most mundane emails (recently my boss asked me what name I wanted on my name tag) send me into euphoria. I can't wait to get started!! And I got a RAISE! ALREADY! ha.

My one advice to y'all is to negotiate your salary. If you feel confident you are going to get an offer for a job you would accept, talk to someone like a mentor or your career services office about how to negotiate. I didn't negotiate even though EVERYONE said I should because I just wasn't sure how to broach the topic. Since this is a public university, I had looked up the salaries of people in similar positions (my position is new so there isn't anyone to compare to) and I compared across universities. I also weighed my education and experience. My mentor told me she usually offers a lower salary expecting people to negotiate and so it behooves you to at least try. Plus this is the starting point for the rest of your career so you want to start off on as high as a foot you can get. I'm glad my employer was looking out for me and it makes me feel even more confident that I made the right choice.

I start in ONE WEEK! And can't wait to update you on all the juicy details of starting out. Keep the faith searchers!

Until Next Time,

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...and a Job #23

I DID IT! I'VE BEEN HIRED!!!

Oh my goodness, y'all, what a feeling. So the angst of waiting last week finally paid off --- they contacted me on Tuesday of this past week. The position I was offered was my first choice, so I accepted the next day and was signing paperwork on Wednesday! It's for real...I have a job!!

I am so unbelievably excited! The position will definitely come with a lot of challenges, but it's what I want to do and I know I can make a valuable impact on students and our campus community. I'm totally scared to death too, but I'm trusting the process.

Finding out was not exactly what I thought it would be. Getting my offer came with a rush of mixed emotions -- excitement, anxiety, disbelief, and genuine thankfulness, to name a few. Excitement because...well, that one is probably pretty obvious. Anxiety because there will definitely be some challenges coming my way. And I have to move!! Disbelief...is it really over? Can I seriously deactivate my job emails and stop stalking my application spreadsheet? And thankfulness -- thankful to the institution that is willing to take a chance on me, thankful to the supporters who have been there throughout this entire process, thankful to have the opportunity to do something that I love....so many things to be thankful for.

Getting to share the news with everyone was pretty fantastic -- I think my mom made noises only dolphins could hear and cried a little even though she was at work when I told her. The students I will be working with seem really excited to have me on board, so that's really wonderful. And with things falling into place for most of my cohort, everyone is genuinely excited for one another at this point.

Since I got my offer, things have been moving pretty quickly. I've been looking for a place to live and collecting boxes for moving -- I start June 17th and hope to get moved before then. I decided not to continue working over the summer, and I cleaned out my desk :( Right now I'm trying to get packed up for a couple of weeks -- heading down to Florida for a friend's wedding, and then home for a little while before I move. So much going on!

So, I'll leave off here for now, but I'll come back in a couple weeks to share some of my overall insights/thoughts about the process, and maybe reflect on my first couple of days as a NEW PROFESSIONAL. But hiatus for now as I soak up the sun and friends and family and everything I am so lucky to have in my life...with a huge weight lifted!

Still looking for life, love, and laughter...but got the job!

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...And A Job #22

Oh. My. God.

I just don't understand. If they say "we'll let you know by the end of the week" why can't they just let you know BY THE END OF THE WEEK?!?!?!?

At this point, I don't even care what they would tell me. They could tell me they decided to give the job to a talking penguin and I would be grateful just to know. This is the WORST part about a job search.

Okay, I'll calm down. Basically, I interviewed for a position last week, and I feel good about it. I feel like it's what I need to do. I'm ready to accept. Yet...they haven't called....

I also interviewed for another position last week...you know, the one I was on the way to the airport for? Well, that was interesting, to say the least. The summary is that I liked a lot of things about the position, yet there are a lot of things I don't. Good things include student, coworkers, and salary. Bad things include coworkers and location and snow. A lot to think about.

I'm at a place right now where I'm just like....okay, if the one I want doesn't work out, and I get offered this other one...do I take it, or do I keep applying? There's a few out there still open that are what I truly want to do. That means there's hope, right?  Ugh.

So yeah, this was a quick one because honestly, I don't want to "reflect" too much right now. I'm "reflecting" all day, every day. Growing up is awful.

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...And a Job #21

Hello friends!

Again, I hope you'll forgive me for waiting a week, but in return I promise to make this one exciting :)

So, lots to catch up on! First, I'm officially a Master! We had our hooding ceremony on Friday, and I have to say, it still feels weird to note that I'm a "former" grad student. The ceremony was amazing - our program does a great job of really putting together something special for us. My family came to town, so it was wonderful to get to spend time with them, and overall it was just a great time. Unfortunately, the morning of hooding I took a little tumble when heading out to take photos with my cohort and dislocated my knee (not a medical emergency, I have lots of knee problems and have for years)....I think it was through sheer adrenaline and will power alone that I managed to walk across the stage! But in the end, I made it. The ceremony brought tears to my eyes -- happy tears of course -- but it's a little sad to think that this chapter of my life has come to a close. It's 4 days later and cohort mates are already moving off and starting their new lives from here, so that's a little sad to think about. But, let's not dwell there, shall we?

The weekend was amazing, though not what we had planned. My family stayed in town all weekend, and rather than exciting day trips we spent a lot of time with my leg propped up in the hotel room and me driving motorized scooters around Target....but I really don't care because it was so great to spend time with my family. I kind of love them.

So then...this week! Well, on Monday I had my first official "on campus" interview! HOORAY I DID IT! It was actually at my current institution, so it was kind of a unique interview. I knew most of the folks that I was meeting with, and it was a bit harder to come up with good questions, but overall I think it went well. I would really love to have that position - I think it's an opportunity to really have a positive impact on the campus, and there are the benefits of being able to leverage relationships and knowledge from grad school in moving forward. So, there's that.

And now....well, now I'm writing this entry from the airport (though not the airport I had planned on....) and en route to another on campus interview, this one quite far from home or anywhere I have ever called home. Similar position though, very different institution. I am really excited to get up there and check things out, and I've worked hard preparing a presentation and portfolio for the interview. Lots of nerves too though...and to really top things off...well, I boarded my first flight no problem...then imagine sitting in a tiny airplane that's literally about 96 degrees in the cabin for about 30 minutes and then finding out you would have to deplane because of a maintenance issue. Let me tell you--- there were some angry, sweaty people at the airline counter with me. So got off the original plane and now am rescheduled for new flights later in the evening....overall putting me getting onto campus at oh...you know...MIDNIGHT! Ugh! Haha I'm going to be a mess tomorrow during my interview, but hopefully I can pull it together. Tis the life, I guess.

Anyway, in other news....both roomies currently have job offers, as does one of my best friends! I can't believe it -- things are really coming together!!! It's strange that we went from like super stressed to where we are now so quickly...and got our hoods in the meantime!

I'll stop for now so I can go enjoy my horrendously overpriced airport food and await my future flight, but overall, things are pretty crazy and great right now!

A Wish Your Heart Makes 19

If I were to be honest with myself, I would have to say that grad school has been one big lesson in feeling like a failure.

I think there is some relentless nagging voice that keeps yelling "no, you're great and you're awesome" but I find myself hissing back "shut up already, I'm trying to stuff my face with ice cream and count how many of my friends on facebook are engaged.' While it is probably true that I am way to critical of myself, I also feel that there is something valuable in realizing that I am not faultless.

I have felt pulled in more directions than any human being should, and I always feel like I'm coming up short. Immediately after classes ended I was so eager to lie in a ball under my sheets and bask in the fact that I was responsible to NO ONE. I had no obligations, no one needed, no emails were urgent, I was freeee. But I was merely in the limbo between realities and once my cell phone bill arrived, I realized that I NEEDED a job.

I keep hearing that the first year of any job is a nightmare, wrapped in a crapshow, cocooned in a hell hole and tied up with a string of anxiety. Always the annoyingly reflective lad who ends up giving some Gandhi-like answer to even the simplest of questions, I keep pondering how to prepare myself for this next frontier. I have barely regained my bearings on my identity and self-confidence and now I feel like I'm being thrown into a den of wolves. I'm probably being a bit dramatic BUT I am trying to savor my last moments as a student. People still forgive me for showing up two hours late to work and treat every bump in the road like a developmental moment. As much as goodbye's are hard, I realize I am surrounded by some pretty incredible people who have a lot of wisdom to share. And everyone has had a first year on a job, everyone has felt like a failure.

As I start to come to terms with the fact that THIS is ending and something else is beginning, I know there are ways I can prepare to make it an experience that I will feel positive about, no matter how many bloopers I have.

Until next time,

A Wish Your Heart Makes 18

I have to admit that my job search process has been a little unusual.

But I guess every search is sort of like a snowflake and you can't really prepare yourself for the snowballs that will hurl themselves at your life.

I remember the year before I decided to go into graduate school. I was unsure if I should go back to school or find a job that I loved. I eventually decided that getting my Masters degree was a better use of the time, energy, and money. Yet, before I came to that decision I applied to about 30 jobs. I only landed a handful of interviews which resulted in zero offers. It was a pretty depressing time and I felt like I was playing a game of darts blindfolded. As someone who doesn't roll with uncertainty really well, it left me incredibly unsettled.

I imagined this time around would be a lot of the same feelings so I tried to mentally and emotionally prepare myself all throughout the Fall. And then, it was kind of like people were throwing jobs at me. I've had the opportunity to sit on both sides of the figurative job searching table and so I've gained a little more insight into what this whole process can be like. In many ways, people wanted me to be a part of their applicant pool even if they weren't sure if I would be the final candidate standing. I appreciated these efforts and am fortunate that people are able to see something in me I can't see in myself.

I recently had to turn down a job and have had to state that I wouldn't apply for other jobs. It always feels a little weird and I feel ungrateful. But it feels empowering to have a focus and a certainty about who I am and who I am not.

So, I guess, you may be wondering "so what?" Especially if you are in the process of playing a game of darts blindfolded. It can be frustrating to hear someone say "like omg people were just throwing jobs at me." Well, I think I did work hard. I mean people don't just throw jobs at people who are ineffective and useless. And people don't throw jobs at strangers. So I took away that it helps to both show up and be out. Show up in your activities and responsibilities and don't get caught up in the be everything to everyone race. And also get out and network and meet people. I did a lot of informational interviewing and I love keeping in contact with people from many areas of my life. It may be unhelpful information if you are in the pit of finding jobs and don't really have time to start shmoozing. But it is def something to keep in mind as you set yourself up for your next job.

I also felt that it was helpful to know what filled me up. My boss let me know this tidbit because it helped me say no to some pretty attractive set ups. A job doesn't necessarily have a deadline and you could be stuck in some crappy situation for a number of years. Been there done that and not interested. No job was perfect but I def had to keep track of what would allow me to use my skills and feel connected to something larger than myself. That kind of soul searching came out of a lot of heart to hearts with friends, mentors and colleagues. And I also trusted my gut which has rarely steered me in the wrong direction. It feels weird to say no but as I look back over my life I know I've always ended up where I needed to be. There were no wrong decisions.

Good luck out there,

Until Next Time

A Wish Your Heart Makes 17

Endings are hard.

This is the conclusion I have come to.

In my experience, people tend to do some pretty erratic things when endings approach. My own program has been riddled with bizarre and jarring events that left me in a really unsettling emotional place. I think I managed to emerge from the ruins with a slimmer of hope and some good lessons learned. Yet it reinforced that endings ARE hard and our human lives do not adequately prepare us with the skills to approach them in a fulfilling way.

I had this moment where I was talking with my doctor and she reminded me that my student health insurance is running out and I needed to find another doctor. I was shocked. Of course I knew this moment was coming but it still felt like she had punched me in the gut. I really like her and the whole thought of just not seeing her on a regular basis seemed...well...wrong? Even though I ended up a doctor who might be a much better fit, my logical mind could not convince me emotional soul.

I have reintroduced myself to these scary feelings when it comes to both my job search and finishing up my job responsibilities here. I guess somewhere in my life I was led to believe that endings should wrap themselves up like perfectly designed Martha Stewart birthday gifts. The reality is that endings are often messy, chaotic and unassuming. They creep up on you or steam roll you when you are least expecting it. And the next things comes. The next relationship, the next job, the next apartment, etc.

After experiencing the death of my mother I have learned how important it is to grieve. Endings are a form of death and it is important to acknowledge the emotions that surface. I have come to appreciate rituals and ceremonies because they allow a form of closure and time to reflect that at least leaves me feeling a little bit more secure with an ending.

I was experiencing these emotions acutely this week. I had to decided to decline an offer of a part time job turning into a full time job. Besides feeling like it wasn't the right fit, there were numerous red flags. Even if I didn't have other options, I would still known that declining this job was the right choice.  I dreaded waking up in the morning to go and that feeling wasn't going away. But it was hard because I felt like I had failed in some way and I felt like I had disappointed my boss. I got some good advice in the beginning of this job search "don't just take a job because you're offered it." And while it can be hard to follow that logic when you have bills to pay and families to honor, there is a lot of truth in that sentiment. It felt both wrong and right and it has been messy trying to navigate revealing this truth to my current boss.

And then of course there is this feeling of being pushed away, of your part in the story ending without any pomp or circumstance. Everything moves on without me and I feel disposable and invalidated. This is life. I think as student affairs professionals who have been nurtured and developed throughout our life as students and leaders, we forget that jobs are not leadership positions. No one has an obligation to protect our feelings or assist us in moving through vectors and achieving cognitive dissonance. We are employees and cogs in the machine and we are paid to do a job. And we are replaceable and there is always someone that can probably do our job better than us. It's a harsh reality to realize that yes you are special but you are not a glittery flying unicorn.

The End.

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...and a Job #20

Yay, actual updates! To begin, I shall do a revised "by the numbers" since that seemed to be a big hit (and by that I mean my friends who I disclosed I am writing this to really seemed to like it, and I like it, so yeah.)...

My Job Search By The Numbers

Days since I began applying: 188

Days until I am a “Master”: 3

Days until I really freak out if I don’t have a job: 86

Applications Put In: 25

First-Round Interview Offers: 4

Second-Round Interview Offers: 2

Anddddd I think we’ll stop there because I’m feeling pretty optimistic right now!

So, basically, good things came from a couple of my interviews last week. I have an on-campus on Monday, and I got a call from another institution today offering an on-campus. Pretty cool. I also have a top pick…which I am interviewing for on Monday…and if I get that position…well, I guess I’m done! Crazy to think it might just end all of a sudden.

And good things have been happening for my wonderful friends! I have one who had a first-round Skype interview yesterday and they literally flew him out for an on-campus TODAY, another got her first on-campus offer today, and one of my wonderful roomies accepted a position today! What fantastic things!!

AND on top of those things, I’m FINISHED with my Master’s degree! Hooding is on Friday, but I turned in my final paper yesterday! So excited to finally be done (at least for a little while). I have a few work projects I am wrapping up, but it’s weird to not feel constantly overwhelmed by my to-do list! I actually read a book for fun!

Overall, things are good right now. Interviews are coming in, friends are having successes that make me so happy for them, I’ve earned a Master’s degree and get to celebrate that with my family and people that I love in the very near future…so why am I so not happy right now? Ugh. I don’t get it. I know it most likely has to do with biology factors that are out of my control, but learning to accept that is a pain. I have all of these wonderful things happening, which then makes me feel even worse/more guilty about being in a rough patch with my emotions/mental state/whatever. Is that weird? Also I know that change and uncertainty is triggering for me, and regardless of the exciting-ness that is this process, it’s all about change and uncertainty…and as much as I can cognitively try to ignore that, it’s still there. It’s frustrating. Like, really frustrating.

But I didn’t come here to complain, and that’s not what you want to hear about anyway. Besides, I have things to do! A hooding ceremony and fun times with family and friends to get ready for, work projects to wrap up, interviews to prep for (and finish my outfits for!!), and a pleasure reading list a mile long ;) Plus soaking up these last few days of not being a professional….it’s crazy to think about!

For some reason, this quote sprang to mind when I was trying to figure out how to close this post, both for readers and for me (writing here is a very…reflective/emotive/etc. process for me), so I’ll just leave it right here…

When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. – Audre Lorde

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...And a Job #19 Bonus!

I'm not going to tell you which institution this came from, but this was just emailed to one of my colleagues who is also job searching....evidently they set up an agent on a certain institution's website to send out job announcements, and somehow this position aligns with their designated career interests. For the record, they are mostly looking at assessment and enrollment management. Guess they can manage pests?

Just thought this was funny.