I think there is some relentless nagging voice that keeps yelling "no, you're great and you're awesome" but I find myself hissing back "shut up already, I'm trying to stuff my face with ice cream and count how many of my friends on facebook are engaged.' While it is probably true that I am way to critical of myself, I also feel that there is something valuable in realizing that I am not faultless.
I have felt pulled in more directions than any human being should, and I always feel like I'm coming up short. Immediately after classes ended I was so eager to lie in a ball under my sheets and bask in the fact that I was responsible to NO ONE. I had no obligations, no one needed, no emails were urgent, I was freeee. But I was merely in the limbo between realities and once my cell phone bill arrived, I realized that I NEEDED a job.
I keep hearing that the first year of any job is a nightmare, wrapped in a crapshow, cocooned in a hell hole and tied up with a string of anxiety. Always the annoyingly reflective lad who ends up giving some Gandhi-like answer to even the simplest of questions, I keep pondering how to prepare myself for this next frontier. I have barely regained my bearings on my identity and self-confidence and now I feel like I'm being thrown into a den of wolves. I'm probably being a bit dramatic BUT I am trying to savor my last moments as a student. People still forgive me for showing up two hours late to work and treat every bump in the road like a developmental moment. As much as goodbye's are hard, I realize I am surrounded by some pretty incredible people who have a lot of wisdom to share. And everyone has had a first year on a job, everyone has felt like a failure.
As I start to come to terms with the fact that THIS is ending and something else is beginning, I know there are ways I can prepare to make it an experience that I will feel positive about, no matter how many bloopers I have.
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