Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...And a Job #11

Hi again everyone! Great to see you all back again. Oh wait, I can't see you at all. And if you're anything like me, you're glad folks can't see you through your computer...I'm glad you can't see me right now. I'm looking rough. Long day.

Sorry, that was a weird tangent. Anyway....

So, updates...well, there aren't many. Oops. I need that accountability partner! And I'm also convincing one of the first-years in my program to do my applications for me....oh wait, I don't think that would be ethical. We also are in somewhat of a prank war at work (all of the grads in my department share a large workspace), so she's probably not the best option for putting my best professional foot forward, ha. Really though...

Over the weekend I felt accomplished because I went through my "Jobs" folder in my email and actually organized it/cleaned out jobs I don't plan to apply for/checked which ones were still open/assembled a functioning spreadsheet. Currently my spreadsheet consists of 25 positions, 12 of which I definitely intend to apply for. I think that's a good starting (well, renewing, I suppose) place, right? They are ALL OVER the US...some are in some VERY cold places. That makes me a little nervous...okay, very nervous...but I could handle it, right? It would be an exotic new experience, or something like that. So, there we go. 12 positions that I need to get my butt in gear and apply for before someone else gets them. GO!

Okay, not right this second. I think I'm just stressed out because I have a to-do list that literally covers the front and back of a notebook page, and it doesn't even include apply for jobs. I thought senior semester was supposed to be an easy one? Well, I suppose it could have been, but I took on a practicum position that keeps me very busy, and a major leadership role in a very large campus program that is upcoming in March - but I love both of those! I couldn't say no to them. Tis the bane of student affairs, isn't it?

Also, I'm cutting myself a little slack because I've been about 18 kinds of sick lately. Cold and cough, sinuses, ear infection....you name it, I've had it in the past couple of weeks. So I spent most of my weekend in bed trying to rest up. Though, since I gave myself the weekend in bed I probably shouldn't also come home from work and sleep for two hours....so there's that.

Okay, I'm now realizing that anyone out there reading this job is probably thinking that I am a complete slacker and full of excuses, and that's not okay. I need to seriously get it together. I mean, I know that, but I really do. My goal by this time next week is to have applied for at least 5 positions, plus take care of my to-do list. I can do this. I really can.

Goal = set. Fantastic.

Something else that has been bothering me lately that I might as well throw out there just to get it out....remember how I mentioned that my best friend in my grad program moved over the winter break to take a job? Well, I am unbelievably happy for him, and I know absolutely that this was the best move for him. He loves his job, and I know that he is making a positive impact on countless folks. I KNOW all these things in the same way that I know I should get my life together and apply for jobs and stop taking 2 hour naps....but that doesn't help the fact that I REALLY miss him. I just do. So there, it's out there. I think this weekend it really hit home -- I haven't really had a weekend in town without a ton going on without him here, and I really missed him. It's not that I don't have wonderful people to hang out with here - don't get me wrong, I definitely do. But I miss spending time with him (and definitely his dog, ha). So yeah, I've been a little down lately about that, and it makes me really nervous about getting a job and shipping off to somewhere where I know no one....I'm already an introvert, and I don't want to become an epic homebody just because I have to meet new people.

How do you make friends when you're a "grown up"? Suggestions welcomed.

A Wish Your Heart Makes 10

One of the most valuable components of my graduate program is the opportunity I've had to explore my own identity development. Yet, for the most part, I have resisted this process out of a mix of emotions I cannot fully define.

Now, as I engage in this process, this experience which I had resisted are shaping my job search process in some very tangible ways. I have many doubts about my ability to do the jobs I am applying for and I starting to dig down into where these feelings are coming from. As I woman, why do I ask myself "Can I do this job? Am I qualified for this job? As a woman of color, why do I ask myself "Am I only getting this job because I am a woman of color? Do I deserve to be here? Am I good enough? I am eagerly digging down to the root of these fears in an effort to unroot them from my sense of self and remind myself "I am worthy. I am enough."

I was telling a cohort member about a job I might apply for and they made a comment that I would have an in because of someone I knew. The true sting of that comment has stayed with me in the last few days and eroded my confidence. Fortunately, I am surrounded by some strong and wise women who remind me that I am worthy and competent and smart. That I won't just get a job because of who I know but what I know. But I know that for many people, these comments which are often said without much thought can derail a confident job search process. Especially if they sprint from the mouth of a male identified colleague who may never be questioned about their competence for a job or position.

I was really intentional about building a supportive community to guide me through my job search process and I am thankful for that community now. Although my cohort will always have a special place in my heart the very real pain of knowing that people may not be truly happy for me if I get a job is real. The very real pain of knowing that someone would want to undermine my confidence about a job is real. The very real pain of knowing that I can internalize these feelings and sabotage myself is real.

I didn't think this process would be so emotionally tumultuous. I guess it has been a while since I have opened myself up to a process that forces me to be vulnerable and get ready for some change. But , BY FAR, I did not realize that the biggest hurdle to my job search success would be my own confidence issues. Ha, I can't think of a better Disney song (have I posted it before, I can't remember) to get me through this week of confidence building.

Until Next Time,

A Wish Your Heart Makes 9

Well hello lovely people! I've been musing over some of the bear necessities of my job search.

I feel like my souls has been bitten by a little senioritis bug and I am slowly recovering and realizing that , yes, there is still work to be done before graduation comes.

My job search is in a really bizarre place...and I don't know how to verbalize it. Yet, the overall question I am grappling with is where my next job is located. Where is the next place I will call home.

This is a really huge question for me because I believe in community and I want the next place I live in to be a wonderful, loving community of friends and loved ones. My memories of my first job out of undergraduate have planted a seed of excitement in my community deprived soul. I remember my first few months being lonely and depressing filled with evenings listening to NPR by radio and listening to mice make their ways through my walls. And then (poof) one day I just met this amazing group of people and the place I had been became home. It was great to be able to have this gaggle of friends to chat it up with and be silly with. I loved the city I was in and its offering of rich experiences just waiting to be enjoyed. I was truly sad when I left but many of my friends were vagabonds and leaving our home behind as well. I knew I would now have homes all over the place, AND I DO!

So, now, as I look for my next home I am trying to anticipate what kind of community I will be able to build there. Let me just say this: the job search requires one person to be a mind reader and a psychic. I have neither of these talents and feel a slight level of anxiety when I think of all of the uncertainty that awaits me in the next few months. That aside, community is at the front of my mind. Both the community I work with and the community I live in. I have this wonderful knack of attracting the most wonderful and loving people into my life and so I believe that the next place I land does hold some great relationships.

This thought process has just reminded me that I am looking for more than just a new job; I am looking for a new home....that is all!

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...And a Job #10

Hello again everyone!

I promise that this upcoming week will yield more relevant posts to my job search, as I WILL get back on track with it. I will I will I will. Does someone out there want to be my accountability partner on that? Or you know, just post angry comments on my posts when I tell you I'm not doing anything? Haha, maybe that is what I need.

Anyway, I decided to extend the post-comps break for a bit and take the weekend to go visit my family and friends back home. I'm currently sitting at the counter in my kitchen while my dad makes lunch, and I couldn't be happier. This trip came at the perfect time and has been oh so refreshing. It's great to be back in a place that feels so familiar, to see so many people that I love and that love me, and to just be at home. So so wonderful.

I also wanted to take advantage of a weekend trip home since right now it's only a 6-7 hour drive, and a few months from now....who knows? It could be a 6-7 hour flight!! (Well, airport experience, haha - I'm not looking for positions overseas) I'll let you in on a little secret of mine -- I love my family so much. And my home town (even though I hate it sometimes too). And my friends from my undergrad career, even if we are pretty spread out. And I love my grad school life right now, and the friends I have made there. And sometimes when I think about how hard it was to leave my home and go to grad school, I get really overwhelmed thinking about doing it all over again so soon - and this time, there's not cohort of peers to bond with easily. Being in a new place out on my own is really exciting, but it also makes me want to pass out with anxiety. Awesome.

Okay, I'm going to not dwell on that for now because there's nothing I can do about it, except do my best to find a position in a place that I fit and that makes me happy. I told my parents at breakfast this morning that I was going to cancel my job search and just move home in May, but they didn't seem to be too receptive to that idea (though I know they would let me move home if I needed to). Who wouldn't want meals cooked for them all the time? Ha.

So, I guess the recap of right now would be that I'm really immersed in feelings of excitement and anxiety about the whole process, and things will probably stay that way for a while. But I know one thing - I have an amazing support system, both at current home and home home, and I know that I will get through this.

Oh, and I got offered a first round interview on Friday, so that's a plus!

Chat again next week, folks. And I'm serious about that accountability partner.

A Wish Your Heart Makes 8

Sometimes I get really scared I’m not going to get a job. This idea is ridiculous for several reasons but it still emerges.

I also get scared that the job I get won’t be the right fit for me, or I will suck at it, or it will be some other kind of disaster. The reality is that it may very well be many of these things, but I can change my mind and move on.

In many ways, graduating from grad school feels like the end of the world. But what is that old cliché saying “every ending is just a beginning…” So I guess the finality of all of this is coupled with fresh opportunities awaiting me after graduation.

My job search over the past few weeks has been a little wonky. I’m super superstitious and I fear talking about it can negatively alter my job karma but I can say this. 1. Network, network, network. You never know who will be the person to connect you to your new job. No one goes it alone, especially in the job search and so it is important to have people on your side who can advocate for you. And 2. Be clear with folks about what you need. And by folks I mean future employers or possible future employers.

Applying to jobs can be really daunting. I mean, it’s sort of annoying to have to fill out those pesky applications on college websites where they ask you a million questions, have you fill out details of all of your degree and education experience, and still require you to sell your life through a cover letter and resume. I feel much more interested in finding different ways to eat bacon.

Yet, I need to find a job. I want to find a job. I have a whole life of skills and experience and I want to use them to support something bigger than myself. I’m really torn right now because I’m in the process of applying to a job that I would really love, am confident that I would be a final candidate and the job would put me on a path to what I hope to do in the future and I am in a job that could turn into a full time position that I could love. I should say that I am horrible with making decisions and even though I have no solid job offers the thought of having to decide between options, if it comes to that, is enough to send me into a sort of paralysis. If different opportunities ended up working out it would be a good problem to have but, ugh, can I hire a part time decision maker that can predict the future and just tell me what to do?? Having to consider all of my variables, understand my deal breakers, know what salary I deserve, and feel confident enough to pursue a job opportunity I want all seem like enough of a struggle to deal with at this point.

And I guess I have to remind myself that this is something I get to do, not just something I have to do. I am really fortunate to have pursued a degree that I love, been connected to a really supportive community of friends, family, and professionals,  and know that my life will be substantially better because I have an education. Through my application materials I am able to redefine my interest, articulate my passions, and apply to jobs that are truly meaningful to me. I get to engage in the job search. I have to keep reminding myself that life is very unpredictable and not everything is a given. Back to the grind.

To all those that are getting a little exasperated, you can go the distance. Believe in your own self worth.

Until next time,

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...and a Job #9

My computer is being a little wonky right now, but hopefully I can go ahead and get some updates out there.

So...first of all...COMPS ARE OVER!!! EEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!! I am so unbelievably happy and relieved about this. I knew they weren't anything to stress over, but at the same time, you can't really not stress, can you? It is an exam that basically determines whether or not you get a Master's degree (although we have folks who have to go "defend" their answers, I suppose), and it's trying to show how much I've learned over the past almost 2 years? It's kind of funny though - in the long run, it's not really about how you do in your classes...it's more about how well you study. The way our exam works you pick five out of ten short answer questions, one question drawn from each of our core classes and the core classes in our tracks, and then you do a case study analysis. I actually ended up answering questions from two classes that I never even took, just because I happened to really know the material that the questions were covering. Strange.

The actual test taking part...it was a little exasperating. I just felt like I had so much knowledge accumulated, and trying to organize it all and get it out there was tiring. But afterwards...well, it was so worth it. I don't want to go into too much detail since I'm supposed to be staying "anonymous", but I will say that my program has lots of great comps traditions, and they were amazing to revel in as a second-year. I felt so surrounded by love and support from my campus family; it was really cool. And of course there was plenty of celebrating to be had...

Overall, I think I did fine. It will be anywhere from a week to a month before we know how we did, but I'm not too nervous about the whole thing. I do want to give a HUGE shout-out to my amazing group - S., E., L., A., and N....you made the whole thing so much better. I couldn't have asked for a better group, and I love all of you so much. Now we just need to transform our comps study time to job application time and we can continue keeping each other on track ;)

So that was the exciting part of life since my last post. I also want to talk about a less than exciting part, which is having a pretty major effect on me right now.

As those of you who have been reading for a while know, I was in a serious relationship with someone that I care very deeply about. We had some rocky times for a while but were trying to work through them, but in the end I ended up breaking things off. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, but I won't bore you with the details. It's just really difficult to leave someone you love, but I had to do what I felt was best for both of us in the long run. Right now I'm feeling really sad and down about everything though - unfortunately feelings don't exactly align with rationality. I'm lucky to have an amazing support system, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Okay, enough with the being sappy and sad. Sorry if it bleeds through in my posts for a while. It's a big adjustment.

So, the job search. Right. I should get back on that since comps are finished, right? Well, here's the plan for now. This week I want to get organized, which includes cleaning up my list of positions to apply for, collecting all of the copies of my resume in one place and cleaning it up, setting up a g-drive to hold all my files, collecting job descriptions, and planning a schedule for applying. Comps studying on a schedule was very helpful, so maybe if I physically block out times on my calendar for working on applications that will be a better way to manage my time. So that's this week.

I'm thinking about going back home for the weekend. It's a pretty long drive for a weekend, but I want to get out of town, and it would be really nice to see my family and home friends right now. Getting out of town would probably be good for me, and I don't know when the next time I might get to go would be. Besides, if I lay around in my pjs for a day and cuddle with my dog while my mom makes me burritos, life is okay, right?

And then...we get moving on LAC. Other than job search, I'd also like to hit the gym and get back into eating healthier, which I was doing at the beginning of the year. Andddd I should probably actually do my readings for classes and start working on projects for my classes this semester, like a responsible adult.

For now, I'll leave with this...

The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...and a Job #8

Well, really not a lot of news to post, but I have made one important decision....so here you go...

I have officially decided that I am not going to go through The Placement Exchange at NASPA. Whew. It feels good to say that. And to delete that registration reminder from my inbox.

I think TPE is an excellent opportunity, and part of me still really questions whether or not this is the best decision. I am in a place where my parents are still willing to help me financially, so I'm fortunate to not have to consider money in this situation....though paying out of pocket would have made the decision easier since I am BROKE. Anyway, so my decision not to go....I just don't think it will be the best venue for me. While I can be outgoing and powerful in public and all of those things, it's not who I truly am. I'm an introvert in the truest sense (isn't it funny I ended up in SA?), and I know that TPE would do two things that make me unhappy. 1) I would be EXHAUSTED from being my "outgoing" self and wouldn't gain anything from the actual conference and 2) I don't think I could really gauge my fit with an institution if I am not even able to be my "true" self in the process, if that makes sense? So, overall I think this is the best decision for me, but it's a hard decision to make.

Institutional fit is really important to me in this whole process. I know most people say that...or at least they should...but I feel it's one of my top priorities. I would rather take a job in an area I'm not super sure about if I feel positive that the institution is a good fit. I have seen a lot of bad things happen to amazing people because of the institutional or office culture in which they have found themselves, and it's so upsetting to watch. I know that if I were in that situation I would burn out very quickly, so I have to kind of protect myself in this process.


I'm going to keep this one short though, because I really need to spend some more quality time with my comps review binder. FRIDAY at NOON cannot get here soon enough - no joke. Honestly I'm not even that concerned about the exam - I'm pretty confident in my knowledge and in the experiences I have had to integrate my learning (oh, look at my SA language coming out) - I'm mostly just ready to be done so that I can once again hit the job search trail hard. I have a growing Google Doc of positions to apply for, but I feel like I should spend all of my time studying right now. So.....Perry and Kohlberg and Baxter-Magolda, oh my!

Catch you on the flip side...and by flip side I mean whatever LAC (life after comps) is like ;)

A Wish Your Heart Makes 7

I'm trying to make a decision about what type of jobs I want to apply to. I originally thought my job search process would be pretty, well, desperate. I envisioned myself throwing my resume at every open position where I met the minimum requirements and was mildly interested. Well, as I've mentioned in other posts, I'm really trying to find my "deal breakers." My mentor compared it to a courting or dating process. You see someone walk through the door, they look cute (wink). Then you flirt and you think about a first date and a second and , if all things go well, you make it to a third.
Yet, your cute Mccuteser over there is also thinking about if they want a second date. I like this metaphor because it reminds me that a foot in the door doesn't mean it is open. The job search process can be full of unrequited love moments on either side. Hopefully there is a perfect match at the end of it that involves very little to no compromises on what your dealbreakers are.

Another way of looking at this process involves me understanding what I'm good at and what I get energy from. I'm a fanatic for personality tests so I LOVE LOVE LOVE talking about and understanding my strengths. So I feel like I have a good foundation to continue developing my understanding of what I'm good at. Yet, before the job search process gets away from me and I'm stuck in a job that is not a right fit, I really need to do a lot more of that nitty gritty "who am I" soul searching.

I'm both excited and nervous and hoping everything goes well. Hopefully, there is a happy ending at the end of it. It reminds me of Beauty and the Beast if we can forget that Beast was abusive and other problematic issues inherent in Disney movies...

Looking for Life, Love, and Laughter...And a Job #7

Hello again!

Sorry, but not a lot to update on the job search front right now. I have temporarily paused my applications and whatnot in order to fully focus on preparing for my comprehensive exams...which I take a week from today! AHHHH!!!

Right now is pretty exciting though. My comps study group decided to head up to the mountains for a study retreat, which is AMAZING. The cabin is perfect, the company is amazing, and the knowledge if flowing....well, sort of. Honestly though, I'm not THAT concerned about Comps - I know I have learned a lot over the past two years, and even more than that, I've had experiences to apply the things I've learned. I feel like I know a lot. But there is a lot of uncertainty as to what is going to be on the exam, and that part stresses me out. For now, I'm going to focus on enjoying my time with friends, taking in the beautiful (freezing) views, and straightening out my theories.

I have continued to create a list of positions for which I am applying; currently probably at like 30 or some absurd number like that. A lot of LGBTQ positions (far more than I was expecting) have been posted, so I'm very excited about that. Once Comps are over I plan to hit the ground running and try to apply for like 5 positions a week at least - is that absurd? I'm not sure exactly what my schedule will be. I do know that I would love to have a position secured by hooding, which is May 10th.

Good news - the friend who I thought I would be "competing" against has an on-campus interview this week, and the position needs to be filled by March...so wouldn't it be awesome if he got that job? He would be happy, I would be happy - everyone happy.

Dinner time at the cabin, then back to the studying grind. Catch ya on the flip side :)