A Wish Your Heart Makes 10

One of the most valuable components of my graduate program is the opportunity I've had to explore my own identity development. Yet, for the most part, I have resisted this process out of a mix of emotions I cannot fully define.

Now, as I engage in this process, this experience which I had resisted are shaping my job search process in some very tangible ways. I have many doubts about my ability to do the jobs I am applying for and I starting to dig down into where these feelings are coming from. As I woman, why do I ask myself "Can I do this job? Am I qualified for this job? As a woman of color, why do I ask myself "Am I only getting this job because I am a woman of color? Do I deserve to be here? Am I good enough? I am eagerly digging down to the root of these fears in an effort to unroot them from my sense of self and remind myself "I am worthy. I am enough."

I was telling a cohort member about a job I might apply for and they made a comment that I would have an in because of someone I knew. The true sting of that comment has stayed with me in the last few days and eroded my confidence. Fortunately, I am surrounded by some strong and wise women who remind me that I am worthy and competent and smart. That I won't just get a job because of who I know but what I know. But I know that for many people, these comments which are often said without much thought can derail a confident job search process. Especially if they sprint from the mouth of a male identified colleague who may never be questioned about their competence for a job or position.

I was really intentional about building a supportive community to guide me through my job search process and I am thankful for that community now. Although my cohort will always have a special place in my heart the very real pain of knowing that people may not be truly happy for me if I get a job is real. The very real pain of knowing that someone would want to undermine my confidence about a job is real. The very real pain of knowing that I can internalize these feelings and sabotage myself is real.

I didn't think this process would be so emotionally tumultuous. I guess it has been a while since I have opened myself up to a process that forces me to be vulnerable and get ready for some change. But , BY FAR, I did not realize that the biggest hurdle to my job search success would be my own confidence issues. Ha, I can't think of a better Disney song (have I posted it before, I can't remember) to get me through this week of confidence building.

Until Next Time,